"This is the biggest lesbian wedding since Liza Minnelli and David Guest got married," quips comedian and commentator Michelle Collins. "For lesbians, this is like Angelina Jolie announcing she has twins."

Gutfeld, while applauding California's recent landmark court ruling affirming the equal right to marry a same-sex partner, takes issue with screen star and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres' public announcement of her plans to marry partner Portia DeRossi.

"I can tell that Ellen hasn't been this happy since she professed the same love for Anne Heche, also on TV, a decade ago.

"As you know, seeing Ellen happy makes me happy, for everyone should be happy with the one they love, be they straight, gay, transgender, bi-curious, master-slave, S&M--or even Belgian. Especially Belgian! Those miserable bastards deserve it.

"But Ellen already knows that once you publicize your love, that applies undue pressure on that relationship to survive, even if it's not meant to be, and then resentment grows, leading inevitably to something named [Heche's would-be husband] Coley Laffoon -- such a stupid, stupid name. The fact is if you ever want to live happily ever after, you need to shut the hell up about it. Professing one's love publicly only works in sappy commercials, bad movies, and perhaps dungeons in the East Village where the survival of your scrotum depends on it.

"For me, public exhortations of love are no different than telling everyone how great your bowel movements are since switching to 'All-Bran.' No one gives a [expletive], except you!

"This is why I never discuss my marriage with anyone, which is the main reason why John Stamos and I are so happy together."

More is available to view in the clip below, as aired on Fox News on May 20, 2008.